Lauren's Christmas Present~

She and I, all last night, texted about how I'm not letting her see this blog. She got all mad at me, thinking that I don't trust her and all this other bullshit, but we're better now.
Anyway, I recently ordered her Christmas present from Amazon~ ^_^ It's really pretty.
{Here it is~}
Why a butterfly? It's this clever thing for cutters - someone draws a butterfly on their wrist and, if they cut, they've killed the butterfly. My Little Lauren has killed her fair share of butterflies (much to my despair) so I thought I'd give her one she can't get rid of. *shrug* And it's really pretty and less obvious to her parents than, say, a heart.
That's all I gotta say.
Love,
Rayy

Hatred

This post has good amounts of deep thought, angst, and whining. Ye be warned.
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It's not a good thing, to hate. We do it far more than is really necessary, us humans, you know? War, prejudice, discrimination, murder - everywhere you go, you are more likely to see someone frowning than smiling, to see someone getting picked on or ignored than hugged, kissed, loved. It's pretty ridiculous. Why don't we all love eachother? We're all the same, in theory. All of us want to live, to love, to be happy and safe - we're not different. Why do we hate?
That's a question I can't answer. I'm a hateful, spiteful person - all I can do is explore this emotion, attempt to explain it, but can I cure it? No, I can't. Far too lame, I am.
I've noticed hatred comes in many forms. There's violent hate, hate with love mixed in for flavor, friends that secretly hate eachother, people who openly glare - I am a personal fan of hiding most (if not all) of my emotions behind what seems appropriate for the audience. So, I see Tanner, whom I despise because she's a homophobic, discriminatory, hateful, spiteful, drama-causing, complete and utter bitch to mankind (especially yours truly). I could show her how I feel - growl, scowl, ignore her as best I can and hope she'll do the same with me - but that leads to whiny facebook wars and that's more shit than she deserves. Instead, I suck it up, smile, and pretend she doesn't stand for everything I stand against and that we're still best friends like in seventh grade. It's the appropriate hatred for the situation, I like to think.
Then there's Uniyah, some chick who sits behind me in chorus. We have absolutely nothing in common 'sides being in the soprano section, really. I'm tolerant of everyone - she picks on the disabled kids. I'm quiet and bottle up my anger - she grumbles and backtalks and sasses anyone who so much as looks at her funny. I'm respectful and do my best in class - she eats loudly, doesn't listen to a single instruction, doesn't practice, doesn't try, and it pisses me off to no end. But, I'm nonconfrontational, selfish, and a coward. I sit there and ignore her bullshit quietly, hoping (for her sake and mine) that she stops fucking kicking the back of my chair before I flip out!
*ahem*
There's Axel. She's done me no wrong. All she does is sit at the opposite end of the lunch table and be Little Lauren's best friend. I have no reason to hate her, right? But I do. She's loud, obnoxious, fiery, egotistical, and, admittedly, a lot like Lauren pretends to be. But Lauren... she's insecure and scared and depressed and broken and isn't just a ball of arrogant fire like Axel is. I hate Axel. I love Lauren. Could the hatred be because Lauren once confessed that she thought she "liked" Axel? Could it be that I sat there for a week as my girlfriend obviously flirted with her best friend? Could it be that my girlfriend dumped me and continued to flirt with said best friend in favor of talking to me, who she dared still refer to as another best friend? I'm near positive at least half if this loathing is jealousy, but I honestly don't care. I hate her.
There's Jordan, who blatantly ignores instructions and sleeps in class and doesn't get that I don't want anything to do with that. Mason, who thinks I'm a whorish nymphomaniac because I watch porn and make more sex jokes than he does.
Lauren, who doesn't realize that if she doesn't stop cutting I'm eventually going to give her up as a lost cause. It's the last thing I want to do, and the thought brings tears to my eyes, but I'm not stupid. I can't change that which doesn't want to change.
Well, that's all I have to say for now, I guess.
Love,
Rayy
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P.S: Writing this made me realize how petty and bitter I am. What a heartwarming revelation.